KURT PSENICKA

When I think of Kurt Psenicka, a few words come to mind - words like moron, pig and slob.

I think Kurt joined us at Magee, in 5th grade. If not, he definitely joined us for 6th grade at Clarke. One of the two is correct.

At the time, my two best friends were Chris Lohr (a.k.a. Chris Storlie) and Doug Wall. And the two of them took a fancy to Kurt. Although personally, I never did. I found Kurt to be an absolute idiot. He was stupid and loud. I think he smelled too. Nonetheless, Chris dragged the buffoon over to my house once. When he left, I noticed that my watch was missing. Granted, it was a cheap Snoopy watch that I hadn't worn in years. But it was there when he arrived, and gone when he left. You do the math. I was more surprised that Kurt could tell time.

In 7th grade, for whatever reason, Kurt challenged both Toby Schwartz and myself to a fight. It wasn't one-on-one mind you. He wanted to take on both of us at the same time. Now I was never one who had any interest in fighting anybody. But the prospect of a two-on-one situation intrigued me. So Toby and I took him up on the offer.

We were to meet up after school, in front of the teachers' parking lot, outside of Mr. Stodola's window. I guess we were all set to go, when all of a sudden, class of 1988's Mike Schwahert appeared. Apparently unrelated to us, Mike wanted to beat the crap out of Kurt for some reason. As soon as Mike appeared, Kurt took off running, and was gone. Our big fight never took place.

In high school, Kurt inevitably found himself in several special education classes. I can remember him walking down the hall, loudly yelling out to a friend of his, calling him "a banana in a tailpipe." Anyone who has seen Beverly Hills Cop knows where that phrase comes from. But what kind of insult is that?

In my junior year, Kurt sat a few seats down from me in study hall. Everyday (and I mean literally, every single day) he would walk in and greet me with, "Burt you buttfuck." Richard and I used to try to break this phrase down. What exactly was Kurt trying to say to me? Was he asking me a question, as in, "Burt, do you buttfuck?" Was he making a statement, as in, "Burt, I know that you buttfuck." Perhaps he was merely labeling me, as in, "Burt, you are a buttfuck." Or maybe he knew that I buttfucked, and was shocked about it, as in "Burt, of all people, YOU buttfuck?" Sadly, based on his "banana in a tailpipe" insult listed above, he was probably labeling me as a buttfuck. I guess Kurt enjoyed insulting people by applying labels to them that didn't make sense. Seriously Kurt, can you apply a verb as an insult? Buttfucking is an actual action. Just as people can walk, talk, drive and chew gum, they can also buttfuck. So based on Kurt logic, he could also call me a "chew" or a "walk." "Burt you chew." It's nonsense to me. But in Kurt's world, apparently it makes perfect sense.

I also recall Kurt walking down the halls carrying the Satanic bible. He was no doubt inspired by me, as I had turned quite a few heads a few months earlier, when I was reading it. For the record, I am not a Satanist - never was. But it is an interesting book to read. And trust me on this one. Kurt Psenicka would not be able to comprehend a single thing written in that book. But I guess he enjoyed the whole shock value aspect of it.

Kurt never graudated with us. I don't think he was there at all for our senior year. I did run into Kurt a few times at the video store. We never said much to each other. The last I knew, he had never married, and was living in a Two Rivers apartment with a roommate - none other than Doug Wall.

UPDATE - 7/20/06 - Kurt is still living with Doug Wall. Kurt's girlfriend also lives with them. She is currently pregnant. So Kurt will be a dad in the near future. Three pictures from July 15th (when Kevin Dehne and I visited him) can be seen below. You might note that Kurt is favoring his left arm, having recently hurt it at work.







UPDATE - 11/22/06 - Here is some video from that July 15th visit.