Tuesday, February 21, 2006


I added a Valentine's Day card to my entry on Chris T. Enjoy!


At Mon Jun 19, 07:31:00 AM PDT, Blogger TWORIVERSWALRUS said...

No, there is no one named Said Ouita. However, we do have a Scott J. in our class. And he asked me to remove all of the gay references from his entry, due to some potentially prying eyes in his area. But he had no problem with me putting the original post somewhere else in the blog. So I've buried it here.

It's not easy being gay. What???? Read on.

This is going to be another long entry. I have a lot of history with Scott. Most of it's good. Some of it's bad. But it's all interesting.

I first met Scott when I moved to Two Rivers, in 4th grade. I joined him in Mrs. Schmidt's class. I remember him participating in some sort of skit in class, where he played a weatherman. In pointing to the Florida area, he said it was so hot that people's skin was falling off. For 4th grade, that was quality comedy. Everybody laughed.

I don't remember it, but years later, he told me of a memory he had of me. Scott used to walk down 45th St. (where I lived) on his way to Clarke. It was a winter day. He said he was dressed in a sweater and a big coat. He was freezing. Then he saw me waltz out of my house in a T-shirt, and no coat at all. That was me.

Scott was really into ninja stuff. And he loved to emulate them. I believe the following incident took place right before sophomore year started. He was in his black ninja outfit, streaking through some backyards, when someone saw him. In an effort to get away, he tried to leap a fence. He failed. I believe his leg was punctured by the top of the fence. And as his weight came down, it ripped his whole leg - breaking it badly.

Scott and I started hanging out together near the tail end of our junior year. For the life of me, I don't recall how it happened. But I do know that it was Nintendo related. We had a common interest. And thus, we started hanging out.

Scott entered my world just at the same time that Richard was leaving it. I was still hanging out with Dave Svatek at the time. So the three of us became a trio. But we weren't equal. We were far from it. Dave and I often treated Scott like shit. As I mentioned in my post about Richard, he and I used to pick on Dave. And there's no doubt in my mind that Dave wanted he and I to be like Richard I were. But instead of picking on him, we picked on Scott. One of things that really upset Dave was the fact that Richard and I could finish each other's sentences when insulting him. Dave tried to do the same with he and I in regards to Scott. But it simply didn't work. Dave and I didn't have the same chemistry as Richard and I did.

One of the things we did was to come up with a nickname for Scott. And what a name we chose - "Butt." Yes, Butt it was. I still call him Butt to this day. Scott was obviously dismayed at the choice. But in time, he begrudgingly accepted it. We meant nothing by it. It was just a name.

One thing that Dave had in him thatI did not, was a touch of cruelty - in a violent way. Dave would bully Scott around, and was not against a punch or two in the arm. Dave also had a habit of forcing Scott to submit to him, and let him pull out hairs from his legs. That hurt! It was some sort of "punishment." If Scott said something that we found to be rude or obnoxious, Dave would punish him. "That's five hairs." I never participated in a physical sense. But I was no better than Dave, as I would laugh about it.

The three of us spent that entire summer together. And for most of it, Scott's mom and stepdad were in New Mexico and Arizona, looking for a place to move. So we literally had the house mostly to ourselves. Scott did have an older brother and sister. But they weren't exactly authority figures.

That summer marked a milestone for me. While at Scott's house (without Dave) we got drunk. For me, it was the first time. I had 10 shots of some sort of whiskey. And seeing as I had never really had any alcohol before, I was very drunk in no time. I remember playing Super Mario Brothers on Nintendo, and beating the game. I was so proud of myself for being able to beat the game while I was intoxicated. When I woke up the next day, I had no hangover whatsoever. Wow! I was so pleased. So two nights later, we got drunk again. This time I wanted to get even more drunk. I ended up drinking 22 shots of either 80 or 88 proof whiskey. And by the end of the night, I couldn't stand up. That's a lot of booze for an experienced drinker, let alone someone who never drinks. Four shots would have been enough.

The rest of that night is kind of hazy. I tried to beat Super Mario Brothers again. But I couldn't get past the second board. So I started a new game. Then suddenly a feeling I'd never known before hit me. It hit me hard. I crawled down the hall to the bathroom, where Scott was cleaning his contact lenses. I pried myself up, announced thatI was going to throw up, then promptly let loose all over the floor. It was red and nasty. I found my way to the toilet, and puked some more, while Scott took the bath mat outside to clean it with a hose. I was in such pain. And all I could hear was that fucking music from the Nintendo game, as the time just ticked down over and over again, for each Mario had. I somehow got to a bed, and tried to sleep. Scott said I threw up a total of 13 times. And at one point, I was throwing up blood. Nasty! For some reason, he put Icy Hot on my stomach, thinking it would help. It didn't. The next morning, I had a slight headache.

The summer went on. And Dave and I took advantage of Scott's house and home. On one occasion, we made him buy us a meal at Pizza Hut. I also remember being at McDonald's. Scott was buying. While we were at the counter waiting for our food, I yelled at him, "You're drunk!" Of course he wasn't. But there were a lot of people around. I thought it was funny. Another time, as Scott took a shower, Dave and I completely dismantled his room, bed and all, and hid it around the house. We thought it was funny. Scott didn't.

We gave Scott two other nicknames as well. One was his African name - Abubaca. The other was his Israeli name - Sayed Ouita. We would make him repeat (and spell) those names from time to time. And if he made a spelling error, he'd get punched. One day, Dave banished Scott to under my bed. He was to stay down there for 15 minutes. If he tried to get out (which he did) Dave jabbed at him with a pool stick. Whenever I would make a point to Scott, I often ended it by saying, "You dig?" I expected Scott to answer with, "I dig it like a rolling stone." If he refused, I wouldn't respond to anything. I would just keep repeating, You dig? You dig? You dig?"

Scott was a very homophobic, anti-gay person. He made fun of homosexuals a lot. So I naturally poked fun at him. I told him that he had girl lips, and that he'd make a good woman. It was all in fun. I'm not anti-gay at all. He knew I was just joking with him. But he was quite vocal in his stance. So I kidded him about it for years.

Dave and I had a game where we tried to borrow the most unusual items from Scott's house. Dave got Scott's DVD player once. I managed to get some bizarre piece of art that his mother had hanging in the dining room.

One might ask just why in the hell Scott put up with all of our shit. That's a very good question. When Scott and I were alone, things were different. We behaved like real friends. When Dave and Scott were alone together (which was almost never) they behaved like friends too. But when the three of us were all together, Dave and I picked on Scott. Needless to say, Scott wasn't happy with the situation. And he would go on and on saying things to me like, "Why are you doing this?" I never had any real answers for him. But to be honest, Scott's lamenting got really tiresome. He would sometimes keep me on the phone for hours. And honestly, sometimes I fell asleep listening to him. He wouldn't let me hang up.

At some point, Dave hit Scott in the chest, knocking him down. I don't think Dave meant to hurt him. But he did. Scott recovered a few minutes later. But he was more embarrased at being caught off guard. Scott had pride and an ego. About a week or so later, he told me that he had "done a few things" to himself so that if he were to ever get hit like that again, he wouldn't be hurt. So he wanted me to punch him in the chest to prove it. I refused. But he was insistent. Still, I refused. Finally I told him to pay me $2.00, and I would. He did. So I hit him. He felt justified after the punch. I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason he got hurt before was because Dave had caught him completely off guard.

Later on that summer, Meff had come up for a few days. And he was spending the night at my house. My parents were out of town. So we had the place to ourselves. At some point after midnight, Scott came by on his bike. He wanted to come in. He was in a foul mood. So I wouldn't let him. After several minutes, I "went downstairs" to go to bed. Meff was left upstairs to deal with him, talking to him through the window. I actually came back up to listen to the conversation. Meff decided to play with Scott, telling him how great I was. He went so far as to tell Scott that I had special powers, and had actually witnessed me bring a dead bird back to life. I don't know what Scott thought of it all. But he told Meff thatI was all wrong, and that he had to break free from me...

During some of our lengthy phone conversations, Scott would bring up the fact that he had dropped all his other friends for Dave and I. But Dave and I were a lot closer to each other. And we shut Scott out at times. I'll be honest. I always chose Dave over Scott. I refused to make future plans with Scott, simply because I wanted to keep myself available on the chance that Dave wanted to do something. That really frustrated Scott - rightfully so.

As our senior year began, nothing changed. But there was a new wrinkle - Richard. If you read my post about Richard, you'll remember that Richard and I weren't on speaking terms that year. Although both of us were still friends with Meff. Well, Scott had Richard in Spanish class, and would pour his heart out to him about the way Dave and I treated him. He looked to Richard for advice on how to deal with us. But Richard had a much different experience with us than Scott did. According to Meff, Richard got really tired of hearing Scott's stories about us. At one point, Scott had mentioned for days that he wanted to beat me up or something. Finally out of frustration, Richard screamed at him, "Just do it already!" Of course Scott never did.

In the fall of our senior year, Scott's mom and stepdad moved to Las Cruces, New Mexico. And Scott decided to join them after the semester was over. Did Dave and I drive him away? Who knows. But I was sad to see him go. I enjoyed my time with him.

So Scott moved to New Mexico, and ended up graduating down there. After graduation, he moved right back to Two Rivers, and moved in with his dad. We called each other at times, but didn't hang out much. By this time, Scott was boning class of 1990's Molly Jindra. He was also hanging out with Amy Schmidt's little brother, class of 1992's Jon Schmidt.

At some point around December, 1990, I know that Dave and I went to see Scott at his father's home. He was showing us his new Sega Genesis. He'd also taken up the nasty habit of smoking. God, did his room reek of that stench!

After that, I don't think I had any contact with Scott for about five years. Then in December, 1995, I was a senior in college. It was the winter break. I was working at T&R Video. When out of the blue, Scott called me.

ME: "Hello, T&R Video?"

SCOTT: "Hey Burt, it's Scott."

ME: "Oh, hi Butt."

SCOTT "Who do you call me that?"

ME: "Cuz it's your name."

SCOTT: "No it's not."

ME: "You said a long time ago, that you'd accept it. It is what it is."

Anyway, Scott was now lving in Manitowoc, with a roommate - class of 1992's, Brodie Reichardt. Their landlord (some sort of smelly mongoloid) lived downstairs. Scott invited me over. So I went. We started to hang around together again, mostly on weekends. It was fun. We drove around, caused a little trobule, played video games, got drunk, made prank phone calls and watched a lot of movies.

In the fall of 1996, Scott lost his job at Food Country. I think he was fired. But he was never clear as to what actually happened. From that moment on, things changed for him. For whatever reason, he really dragged his feet in finding another job. He basically laid around his apartment all day. Eventually he and Brodie moved out, and found another apartment in Two Rivers. They had a third roommate (his name escapes me) join them.

As the winter moved into 1997, Scott was still unemployed, and was feeling great pressure from his roommates to come up with the rent. His third roommate had also brought something else into the equation - a computer. Scott beacme obsessed with the computer, spending most of his waking hours on it. It was like a drug to him. He was surfing, and chatting, and everything else. He was a madman!

In March, 1997, I finally found a real job. The job was in Milwaukee. I moved to Sheboygan, and lived with Dave Svatek and his wife. I had Wednesdays off, and would often come back to Manitowoc to do my laundry at my parents' home. I would visit Scott as well. He was still unemployed, and was really catching hell from his roommates. Then the unthinkable happened. He lost use of the computer. I believe the computer actually belonged to the mother of the third roommate. And she came to get it. Meff and I were visiting him one evening. And he was literally pacing back and forth, saying that he needed a computer. It was like he was suffering from drug withdrawl symptoms.

Prior to getting my own place, I hooked up with Scott one more time. I'm not sure how it happened. But somehow he made contact with me. And I invited him over to the apartment in Sheboygan. Dave and his wife were gone for the weekend (as they were every weekend). So Scott and I had the place to ourselves. We watched some TV, went to Burger King, and basically did nothing. But Scott had a secret to reveal.

We were sitting in the living room watching TV. Scott was drinking beer. Then he tells me that he's gay. What???????? I told him to shut up, and kept repeating, "You are not." But he insisted that he was. I was shocked as hell! You know what they say about some really vocal, anti-gay people. They say that many of them are closet homosexuals themselves. In Scott's case, this was 100% true. He told me that he'd always been that way, but had refused to accept it.

I was really floored. Scott has sounded off about gays many times. And I know for a fact that he boned at least three women - Class of 1990's Tracey Powell and Molly Jindra, as well as that stupid fucking, can rot in hell, bitch on a stick, class of 1992's Jennifer Ewald. Back in 1996, he had also lamented the fact that he couldn't get a girlfriend.

I amazed Scott that night too. He thought that because I had kidded him so much in the past, that I was anti-gay too, and that I wouldn't accept him. Puh-leeze! I don't give a shit about it. Live and let live.

I'm not exactly sure what happened next in his life. But I believe that Scott's mother came up from New Mexico to get him. I could be wrong though. But I think she was somehow involved in getting his life straightened out a bit. I spoke with Brodie at one point. And I believe Brodie told me that Scott had literally left in the middle of the night, packed a few clothes in his car, took his cat, and drove off to St. Louis, leaving nearly all of his possessions behind. Apparently Scott's thinking was that all his stuff would make up for the lost rent. In May, I got my own apartment in Grafton. And I bought a couple of items of Scotts, that Brodie sold me. Up until three months ago, I still had the entertainment center.

So what was in St. Louis? Apparently he "met" some gay guy online, and went to live with him. Perhaps the computer was a good thing, and helped him realize that he wasn't the only closet homosexual in the world.

I'm not sure how long the St. Louis affair lasted. But eventually Scott came back to Wisconsin, and moved to Sheboygan, with a guy named Dave Pyawasay. That lasted for several years. But tragedy struck in 2001. A fire broke out in their apartment. A wall of flame struck Scott, horribly burning his neck and back. He was sent to a hospital in Milwaukee, where he eventually recovered. My wife and I went to see him. He was in a lot of pain. To add insult to injury, the homeowners blamed them for the fire, and sued. Neither Scott nor Dave fought it. They may not have even been aware. But a judgement of over $34,000 was entered against both of them.

The two of them eventually broke up. And Scott was on the move again. This time he drove west, arriving in Idaho, to live with another guy he met online. That apparently didn't last long. He then moved to Spokane, Washington. Today he is back in Idaho once again, in a relationship with another guy. I E-mail with him from time to time. Although he doesn't keep up with E-mailing as often as he should. But he recently mentioned that he's happy with this guy. But he also mentioned that he misses not having any straight friends. Because all of the gay people he knows are assholes!

Come back to Wisconsin, Butt. You've got some friends here.

At Wed Jun 21, 09:13:00 AM PDT, Blogger TWORIVERSWALRUS said...

The following comment was written by Scott, to me, on January 26th, 2006. With his permission, I am posting this for him now.

As an update, Scott appears to be a lot happier now. He is no longer living with Michael. He currently is on his own - with his cat Oscar.

As far as your writeup on me it sort of reminds me how shitty things were heh. I don't think anyone realized how alone I felt
back then and basically now it is the same except that I choose
it, I really do not let people in my life.

I knew Brodie like 8 years. Honestly he was better to me than
almost anyone in my life. There was a genuine care both ways for each other like brothers should be. So when I came out and he didn't except me..he is very homphobic. That pretty much crushed the last routinely interactive friendship I have had.
And it poisoned my idea. By the time I contacted you again I was drinking heavily, so much that I had a permanent tingle in the back of my head. I remember that. I was also looking for sprituality to save me from myself. I left Two Rivers looking for some place where someone would be my friend regardless of my sexuality because the small community where we grew up would not I thought. And there was no relationship with any1 in St Louis. I ended up living with a suicidal person and eventually that
came apart. Moving back to live with my Dad was a complete failure to me. My stepmother hates me and
basically admits it because I am gay. I have ended contact with my father because first, he always treated my brother like a king and me like a complete second choice son. And Secondly because he never
stood up for me. He sent a Christmas card this year which shocked me however I have no plans to respond. My brother is all for himself so no contact there either.

The fire...I saved my bf's life because I had to...without thought he would be dead. It was automatic thinking...him b4 me. When I lay in bandages he wanted only to go out drinking at the bars to which his sister screamed at how immoral he is...it was a big scene...his sister and I became close friends. I liked everything about her. After our eventual breakup, I must say that was the biggest loss....the cutting ties with the siblings he had. Because we had some real affinity and friendships.

At that point after the breakup I ended up drinking heavily and I noticed that the gay community played what I call "musical chairs" and date each other swapping ...never staying with any1, cheating on their partners and what I witnessed at the bars made me sick and I knew I was not like them. And I was vocal about it
to the point that I became an enemy to them I guess. But to be fair I was very much into trying to ruin myself. I realize that
now...I had such intense feelings of love...I was asked to "marry" that person David...I said maybe
eventually but I did want it to last the rest of my life...I found out little by little that he was whoring around though. I ended up cutting it off. When I met the guy in Idaho....he was actually in Plymouth at the time home from school...after being with him a
day...he sent me an email saying he never felt the way he did about any1 until me and that he wanted to spend his life with me...I guess
I bought it because I wanted to. We made plans to possibly be together after his school ended in Idaho. When I moved I knew the possibilty of it working as I told the owner of the Blue Lite bar...was "less than 2 percent". I had made plans to move and no one was going to stop me...I wanted out of Sheboygan as it reminded me still of being with David. And Jesse was changing his behavior...I found out why when I
actually moved to Idaho. He had
a crush on some1 else. Now this is the part that is interesting.

I find myself in Idaho, he says he is no longer interested, okay...I sort of expected that I would have moved anyway. I meet
Scott at a drag show. A very handsome 26 year old "completely masculine" type...he immediately shows interest in me that night and he introduces me to his
ex....who happens to be the guy
Jesse "left" me for. So I already know of him and I pretend I don't. He takes Scott aside and tells him to steer clear of me for I am insane. Scott doesn't buy it and sees it as jealousy. Apparently this guy still wanted to have sex with Scott even though he dumped
him weeks earlier. Jesse is there on the dance floor. Scott tells me what was said...I find Jesse and tell him "you...are nothing but a piece of shit"...you really think I am crazy? He says no and is silent...I offer the fact that I still care for him and he could leave this place with me and talk about it...he says I can't do that so I turn and point to Scott and
say..."Do you see that guy over there?" He nods.."I am going to
leave here with him because he has been nothing but respectful to me...Good Luck" We left there together with both Jesse and Andy pissed at us...but the important part for me was that justice was
done...someone stood up for me(Scott)

The next day Scott who lived in Spokane( I lived in Idaho) asks me to go out with him in Spokane. I do. He tells me about Jesse and how he wanted his exbf and hung around with him and even stayed at his house and would get angry and walked the streets for hours because they were together. He said he didn't like or trust him at all. He was making it clear he never wanted me to hang around with Jesse.

I sent Jesse an email after Scott invited me to live with him(since I couldnt find work in Moscow I opted to say yes and therefore have Spokane- a bigger city with more opportunity) Jesse replies that he misses me and made a mistake and I tell him I am moving...and he says how he is
reevaluating this lifestyle and his heart is broken. I offer friendship, which he accepts.

One night I arrive at Scotts and his friend and neighbor Randy answers the door. "Not who you expected huh" he says. Umm no...
"Well Scott wont be here, I know you had a date but he wanted me to let you know last night he was jailed for punching his ex, Wade in the bar (Dempseys)and assaulting an accompying lesbian.
I'm like Woah! No way. I was totally smitten with Scott and I opened my wallet and in it was 250 bucks. I remember his friend named Mark, who I met earlier. I find his number on the phonebook scribbled...so I call and he says well Scott, I gotta say I known Scott for years but if it were me I'd let him sit in jail, he
deserved it...he attacked this person without any solid reason and I was there and tried to talk him into going home. But if you want I will pay half the bail(Mark is rich)and if you put up half we can go to bail bonds...So I agree and we get him out, and his is so happy and all that matters to me is that he is out of jail. the ironic part--explained soon below.

The day I move to Spokane...Scott is driving my car(because he wanted to know what it's like to drive a small car)
and one exit from reaching Spokane, a minivan pulls out of a causeway and we hit it at 60 Mph. I remember seeing the hood lift
up and shrapnel flying high up in the air. And the spinning seemed to last much longer than it actually did. And the car stops at a sign for Newport-Colville. All of a sudden there are people surrounding the car...and I am fine. And I am wondering how after this high impact collision. And I look over at Scott and his head is off to one side and the steering wheel is bent where he hit against it at impact and he cant talk or breathe...and the paramedics are there like right away and I remember saying no, you will be okay...Don't die on me! And I am praying to God that if he lives I would never need any other wish
ever in my life. And he passes out and the paramedics ask me how I am and start working on me and I yell at them...can't you see I am okay! Work on him! I ride in the ambulance to the hospital and they are working on him and someone says to me...you should get that
stitched and I have no idea what they mean so I go to the restroom and see my brow is all ripped open...more scars around the same eye, I say to myself...aint that
surprising. I stay all 3 days at the hospital never leaving and they tell him he has a bruised heart and broken shoulder and that he is very lucky because often that trauma kills a person if the I think its call tendon connecting heart to ribcage gets torn and

He makes it through. I take care of him. I drive 4 hours a day to work in Idaho where I just moved from to work at a ranch in Troy, ID. That was in November. In December, right before Christmas 2003. We are there together and Scott is in a terrible mood because he doesn't feel well.(He didnt know that he had a broken
clavicle til 2 months later) and he is in pain. He out of the blue insults me and everything about me...my music choice, my boss, accuses me of poisoning him etc. I am pissed and I argue back, still shocked like where is this coming from. A week b4 he is telling
every1 he wouldn't know what to do without me. He tells me he wants me to move out...I say what the
fuck! Fine you want me out OK! And I start thrwoing my shit in bags
and knock his dresser over and he calls 911. The police show up and Scott tells them that he is sorry
but that he is too weak to defend himself( I never touched him) and that we resolved it, and the police
say okay...we wont arrest him, but then two other officers corner me into the bathroom and tell me to
turn around and they cuff me and drag me out and Scott is pleading with them to let me go and they put me in their car. I spend the night in jail. In a cell with a fat scary guy. And all I do is try to sleep. Because it is so boring I am going nutty. They bring two meals and my roommate says you gonna eat this or not? And I tell him nah it's yours. I go through every emotion that night hate, revenge, sadness, confusion....I awake and they say time to see the
judge and give me a comb and some supplies and I don't even
care I get chained up to a line of people in shackles and my hair is all scary cuz I don't give a shit about anything at that point. I sit in court and they tell us not to look into the audience at all.(scott was there but I didn't know it) My turn. Judge asks me how do you plea..I say what difference
does it make? He looks at me and says maybe you don't know how serious this charge is Mr Jaklin...this a criminal offense accusation of malicious domestic violence, I say Not Guilty.

I am released...8 hours later at night. after about 23 hours total. A have a msg waiting...This is Roger call me at.... I call Scott's friend Roger, he tells me he is arranging to have a ride pick me up. Scott shows up and takes me home...he is crying, I want to work it out with you but don't know if you would so I packed
all your stuff just in case...I am still numb from the experience. It fucked me up for days. I am in love
with Scott, he makes me proud to be the way I am, I feel safe with him. I am not ashamed for the first
time in my life to be in public with a bf. We work it out. My charges get dropped because he explains to the prosecution at a later court date that he was just on a lot of meds. They drop the domestic violence charges.

I get hired at Yokes Supermarket In March '04. Scott cant work...for months, I am taking care of him and my insurance is sending out checks a total of 6000 bucks to give him rent reimbursement. I am noticing he is
spending it on shit and marijuana. I am having dreams of David telling me he is happy I found someone who will be good to me. I keep it to myself.

In April Scott is feeling better, he still wont work even though he could have his old job back and the doctors say he is healing well. He asks me to go to a
drag show in Moscow, ID...reluctant to go, I do agree.
We go...with Scott's friend Randy. On the way there they are making fun of me, saying I may act like I am innocent but that I was probably as much a whore as any1 because I am too cute to resist...I am not amused. I forget about it. But 2 hors later my bf is
talking to a black kid...and a friend of mine overhears Scott asking him if he would want a
threesome. I go over there and he is clearly drunk and says...oh yeah this is my bf...don't mind him he's just being Scottand proceeds to flirt with this
guy...my friend Eric consoles me.
I start to think what I fool I have been....I remember being at a karaoke bar and no one would have been able to convince me to sing a song "if I loved him I would" like Scott did...he was good for me, or was he? (I sang the Police- Every Breath You Take-which I guess
is deemed a stalker song) very well I might say. Since then I have done Collective Soul songs at a gay bar in Spokane and got standing ovations. That is my only
talent...I can mimic voices.

Anyway, I tell Scott he has gone too far and I am ready to go home. Eventually he gives in and we leave. I also remember a week b4 this that Scott was upset at me for my opinion and at his family's Easter Sunday dinner..on the way home tells me to get out of his car
and I have to walk 7 miles across Spokane to get home. And when he comes home he says...so what do you want? And I say I think you made it clear that I should move
out and he says--but you can talk me out of it. (?)

After the drag show we get along for two weeks, I have a day off and we go seeing sights around town and it was quite an enjoyable day...seemingly. We go out to the bar and at the end of the night he invites Randy to watch a movie with us and during it he starts to give me a blowjob, or try right with his friend there and I say what teh fuck is wrong with you? Randy leaves. He says he is sick of me making him look like a fool
in front of his friends and THROWS me stuff and my dresser in the living room, a pile of rubble basically saying he is done with me. I was very upset. I slept on the couch. I goto work the next day after looking through the pile for my tie and work clothes. I get a call from the apartment manager. Mr Jaklin, we were going through your application to be included as a resident...what is this 38 thousand dollar judgement about? I explain the fire. They tell me I have to be out of the apartment in one day's time as they cannot take a chance on me. I tell my boss I have to take a longer lunch, he can see I am upset and he says to me take however long. It's cool. I get back home and Scott stone faced says I have to be out and we are through. He puts 400 dollars on the table and says use this to file bankruptcy. I owe you at least that since you have taken care of me. I am spending the night at Rogers he says....we can still be friends.

After work I pack my stuff and move to Eric's house in Moscow
I have to explain the fire deal to my boss and tell him I have to temporarily move to Moscow but that I will not be late or unavailable. He feels bad. He tells me that he thinks I am a good person and that I have a great work ethic and he would reschedule me anyway that would help. back to 4 hour drive per
day...Scott and I are not around each other much after that except
one night. He invites me to come over and he wants to go shopping
cause Geico sent him another checks, he blows a ton of it. I am nothing but kind and it is obvious I want to fix things. We have sort of a date. And I sleep over and he tells me not to expect we are together. I am sad I go to sleep crying to myself. the next morning
there is a letter on the table ....a very kind letter about how he needs to find himself again and that he still wants to date, that I am a good person, that he
still loves me. That is the last time I see him outside of court. From then on all he does is tell my friends that I am "stalking him" which I was not. I even responded to his letter that if we are to be just friends I will accept that. He calls me friends and bitches about me. I confront
him with it and he says I have no business anymore contacting him(even though he said he wanted that) I couldn't figure it out....well...he left me for
someone else. Someone who was in AA. A total whore and drug dealer. He met this person again at "Bloomsday" a matter of days before he broke it off with me. And now it made sense that he was "going over to Rogers to visit" quite abit in those few days and I had no clue.

A friend of his reaches out and offers I can be a third roommate in Spokane, I agree to it but when
Scott finds out I am living three blocks from him he is uspet and tells Brad this and that, day after day to the point that Brad cuts off all ties with him. My
father has a heart attack....my sister and mother leave mesages on Scott's machine and even talk with
him once and he is nothing but cold. I have no idea my father is in hospital. They didn't have a number to reach me at. Scott never even told Brad to tell me. One night I am on the net and Scott msgs me....he is kind. Asks about my father, what basicaly happens is
he wont talk with me directly, he emails me, so it was email volleyball. bang I send one, bang he replies probably a total of 30 times as if we are having a real time conversation. At one point I tell him my memory of saying things is bad lately because I have
been stressed by the breakup...all of a sudden it turns sour and he sends me an email that is very
cutting full of expletives. And I reply....and then I get the email..."if you ever contact me again I will get a restraining order" So I reply go ahead I know you will anyway. The next day the police serve me with a restraining
order. At work Actually it wasn't the police, he had his new "bf give it to me.

The court date is a day that we have a one day sale at work ...I have to get my hours rescheduled ...I ask my boss and he says Scott you have to give me a good reason why you cant be here those hours on that busy day. I come clean...I explain that I am gay and my ex is trying to ruin me and such, He is very understanding and agrees to it. But somehow I was so upset that I couldnt shut up...everyone I worked with now knew what had happened...and it was said...Scott every1 here likes you and no one cares about the fact
you are gay but it does explain with all this stuff that happened why you have been in such solitude since May and your behavior has changed to "all business"

Truth is I was ashamed. I told every1 I was happy I met my soulmate and now I had to show I was nothing but a fool, a failure....so I cut off contact with almost every1 including my mother and people I had worked with in Wisconsin that I had been emailing back and forth because I couldnt explain what was happening. At this point, I made my two roommates friends of mine. They were also feeling bad for me and genuinely cared. One of them said to me....if you have gone through all this being the person you are....there is no hope for any of us.

One roommate drove me to court, the other wrote a character reference letter as did a coworker. I showed up at court. Scotts mom was standing outside the room. She made small talk, I was courteous since I respected
her.On meeting her the first time I said how much I liked her son and that I was someone with morals and her reply was...So what are you doing with this loser then?(her son) I was a bit shocked at that.

The restraining order copy I received accused me of being abusive, to Scott, abusive to his dog, threatening to kill him and his dog, making it look like Scott was terrified of me. I have proof he was not terrified of me but laughing at the power he had over me. Scott wasnt at court, we took recess, his mother went over to his apt and woke him up and dragged him in.

He looked terrible. (found out later why) he played telephone msgs...I had no idea he was baiting me this whole time! After about 25 messages the judge says,
are they all like this? He replies yes. Judge says, okay there are no threats here at all, did he ever
make threats? Scott says no... he is smarter than that. Next his mother gets on the stand, she says "I really don't know why I am up here...I think Scott(me) is a good person"the judge asks if I make threats she says no I have
never seen that take place, just that they argue from time to time like most people. Scott was pissed. I rememeber I broke down a bit and I couldnt hold back tears when they played my messages....I could hear my own voice on the tape saying I understand that you may even want someone else and that everything is okay and all I want is to be friends like you offered. I had been very civil, even NICE and kind after he did
terrible things to me.

In the end, he got the restraining order because of the jail time I did with a charge of malicious domestic violence even though dropped was enough. They
didnt care to see my character references. At the end I said that basically all Scott wanted was to ruin my ability to go out to clubs he would frequent and that that I would bet my life that he will go home and laugh about the fact that he won victory over me through the legal system and wasn't in the least afraid of me...just terribly vindictive. That is exactly what he did. I became friends with
someone I met online....the person who at the time I didn't know was actually there with Scott the night b4 the courtdate....who witnessed him doing several lines
of cocaine and getting drunk. This person was Clinton. Who Scott had started to "see". He was shown emails of what I sent Scott after the breakup...and later recounted that upon reading them thought to
himself...I sure wish someone would be this kind to me. And got interested in meeting me after this...to make a long story short this person turned on Scott and became my friend...and I ended up moving in with him and his friend JAck, they had just moved from
Montana to Spokane. Within two weeks Jack and I were dating. I however had nightmares of Scott trying to kill me. Many. I would wake up screaming. These were not theatrics to warrant sympathy....I was really emotionally messed up from everything that happened. Jack began to feel as if I didn't love him like I did Scott. And he was right. So Jack kind of went out and did his own thing even
though we still dated it was gone, so I broke up with Jack. Which surprisingly sent him off the deep
end...he got wasted all the time and confided in his friends that he was so sad to lose me. I thought he would have welcomed it. I tried to get back with him upon finding out how he felt. He took me
back. All of a sudden Jesse, remember him? He emails me that he loves me and he was stupid and wants to be with me the rest of his life.

I loved him alot all I wanted was to be with him....for so long...and I turned him down...because Jack never cut me...and Jesse was awful to me at
times....within days I realize how I chose wrong. Jack became distant and eventually we split for good, but not b4 he took me back down into a financial disaster. He and Clinton(who wanted to date me and was nothing but a backstabber since I starting seeing Jack) both
of them used me to pay their bills because like most every other gay person I know didnt want to work or
couldnt keep a job because clubbing was more of a life) in May '05 I gave Clinton a gift of 200 bucks to help him move back to Montana, which is what he wanted, after that eh has done nothing but rip
on me unless I am single... When I left the house in Spokane, Jack had one final chance to apologize and get my help...his rent was due. He didnt apologize and I left him owing 650 bucks in rent that
he could not pay and moved here to Moscow. On the way out I said...I love you Jack...and I'm sorry...none of you leave me a choice....to which he screamed yeah I can fuckin tell you love me! I am going to be homeless living on the street like you fucking ever cared about

3 weeks later his new bf was calling me ....not my doing....saying he is breaking up with Jack and that seeing how I was treated...he is sick to his
stomach...and would like to get to know me better. Well...I had already started talking to Clinton's new roommate in Billings....Clinton invited me to live with them...told Michael I was so sweet looked like Brad Pitt. someone who it seemed he wanted to date recalls Michael, when Michael showed interest in me,
Clinton became upset and took back his offer for me to move there....and now at present time Michael is with me in Moscow...so far he is the only normal one I have been with. Normal in that, not everything is about him, he actually cares about me...my problem today is that I cannot...CANNOt seem to be like I was.....back in 2003...I have changed and become so cautious that I don't let any1 in...I cant seem to...now Michael is telling me he is having a hard time with that...I have resolved to not date anymore if this one breaks up
...will it? I have no idea. Somehow it was always so
important to find that one person like me that I could be with....I just aint that person anymore. I fucked my life up ...that even shows in your synopsis of your
time with me...I have never been able to figure out why I mean so little to so many when I try the best I know how. The writing you have done on me shows a completely weak and pathetic person. I can be strong now...but at the expense of being alone. And that is how I see it. I have been mental wards three times now and hospitals much more than I can count because of suicidal thoughts.


At Thu Jun 22, 06:23:00 AM PDT, Blogger jenny said...

hi scott,
i am truly sorry from the bottom of my heart that you had to experience this turmoil. i, too had some rough years between 93 and 2002. maybe i will share them someday,not yet though. All i wanted to say was thanks for sharing and that i really hope you have peace now. i hope you know there are a lot of your old pals who do really care.


Post a Comment

<< Home