Friday, April 07, 2006


I moved to Two Rivers in 4th grade. Periodically during that first winter, I would see this kid cutting through my neighbor's yard. My mom kept encouraging me to go out and try to befriend him. I never did though. That kid was Doug Wall.

Sometime that spring, my friend Chris Storlie and I were hanging out on garage roof. Doug sauntered by, saw us, and said, "How did you guys get up there?" Next thing we knew, Doug had joined us. A few minutes later, we went in the house to play some Atari. And a friendship was born.

It didn't take too long to figure out that Doug was one of us - a troublemaker. Although he was in 5th grade, and I was in 4th, we became good friends. Doug lived about a block from me. So in the morning, he would come to my house before school, then walk to school with me. We used to walk through the cemetery everyday, on our way to Magee. At some point, for whatever reason, we would knock over a few headstones. One stood out in particular. It was the grave of a police officer named Thomas R. Dodge. He'd been killed while on duty. And his grave was in the shape of a police badge. We knocked it over everyday, until the cemetery workers caught us. They took us to school, and a policeman was called to lecture us. Strangely enough, our parents were never called. And no further trouble came from it.

Later on that year, Doug began wearing a sweathsirt with the letters "KKK" spray-painted on it. I honestly didn't understand the significance of it. Doug probably didn't either. Neither one of us was a racist.

On another day, Doug had a lighter with him. And he started a wreath on fire. We couldn't really get it to go though. So we left. A few minutes later, we happened to look back. And the whole grave was covered in flames. We took off running.

Other classmates of Doug used to refer to him as "cock." Doug said it was because he was cocky. Honestly, I think it was because people thought he was a dick.

Let's be honest here. Doug was a slob. I liked hanging around with him. But he grossed me out a lot. He was always burping or farting. He just didn't care. And I admired that about him. He truly didn't care. He had one of the most "don't give a shit" attitudes that I'd ever seen. One might be tempted to say, "ignorance is bliss."

See my entries on Chris Storlie and Cindy Rohrer for a few additional stories about Doug.

Doug wasn't the swiftest person I ever knew. In fact, he had been held back in 2nd or 3rd grade. So it wasn't all that surprising when Doug got held back in 5th grade. So when I entered 5th grade, Doug and I were suddenly thrust into the same grade - even though he was more than two full years older than me.

One day after school, Doug, Chris and I were walking by the bikes. Chris recognized Larry Daffner's bike, and promptly let the air out of its tires. The next day, Mr. Tisler (who had Chris, Doug and Larry) chewed me out for it. Apparently Chris and Doug had blamed me for it. What a couple of worms! But, that was the name of the game.

Doug and I were walking home from school one day. As usual, we walked through the cemetery. We spotted a fresh grave from that day. It was an old woman. Doug then said, "Too bad she's so old. Otherwise I would dig her up and milk her." I don't even want to picture that.

Doug had a saying that he often used. "Wanna rub dicks?" He said it a lot. I never knew what he meant by it. Then one day, against my better judgement, I said, "sure." The next thing I know, Doug was grabbing at my crotch. I put an end to that little game immediately.

Doug wasn't shy - about anything. He would drop his drawers at the drop of a hat. See my entry on Lisa King for a nice story on that. All I had to do was tell Doug to moon someone (or sun someone) and he'd do it. He was like my own little puppet at times. And he wouldn't just moon either. He would spread his ass cheeks and bare his hole for his unsuspecting victims.

Seeing as I occasionally saw Doug naked, I was privy to his dick - which was uncircumsized. Believe it or not, at some point in 5th grade, Doug actually got circumsized! I have never heard of anyone getting circumsized at a point in their life when they were aware of it - let alone someone who already had pubes! But Doug went through the surgery. I can't even begin to imagine that kind of pain. I hope they numbed him first.

Doug often complained about his mom. I guess his mom was pretty strict. I never had much contact with her. As Doug and I got into trouble, we were eventually banned from being allowed to be friends - by both of our parents. (Likethatever works) So Doug's mom never liked me. In fact, Doug had two interesting stories that he insisted were true. Actually, I never knew the full stories. But Doug once said that his mom made him eat his own puke. As I recall, it was spaghetti. I think it may have been an incident at the table, where Doug coughed a bit and perhaps brought up some food. So it's not as bad as it sounds. But still, it's bad. The other story was that his mom forced Doug to make his dick bleed. What??? I don't know. For some reason, I never pressed Doug for the details.

At some point in 5th grade, both Doug and Chris started smoking. They used to smoke in my garage quite often. One day (for whatever reason) Doug and Chris took off all of their clothes and hopped out onto the roof. They ran around all over, until the neighbor called the police. And as I found out a few months ago, Lisa King and Jenny Malley witnessed this whole event from across the street.

One day Doug and I were walking home through the cemetery. We noticed a kid. It was class of 1990's Nick Ross. I told Doug to start swearing at him. And he did. The next day, Nick caught up to Doug, and beat him up a little bit. As we walked away, I told Doug to start swearing at Nick again - which he did. The next day the same thing happened. Doug got beat up. Then as we walked away, I got him to cuss out Nick yet again. And of course, the next day, Nick attacked Doug again. This went on for about five days before Doug finally wised up and refused to swear at him anymore. It took him a few days. But Doug eventually learned.

I think it was in 6th grade where the next incident happened. I was at the home of my friend, Bobby Streu. And Bobby's dad had a bunch of dead fish - God only knows why. And they stunk! We took one of them, waltzed over to Doug's house, and left it on his front porch. Apparently the next day, the whole house stunk. Doug never forgot about that, and always reminded me of it for years to come.

Bobby and Doug came in contact again - literally. The three of us were in the field behind my house. And we were wrestling. I was watching as the two of them went at it. Suddenly Bobby apparently kicked Doug in the crotch. Doug shot up, then sprinted out into the field, screaming his head off, while running bow-legged, with his legs out to his side. It was one of the funniest things I'd ever seen. When Doug returned, he was doubled over in pain. When we asked him what happened, he simply uttered, "My balls cracked." That line mad us laugh even harder.

In 7th grade, Doug would join our class for 5th hour chorus - Mrs. Westburg. On most days, Doug, Kevin Dehne and myself would find ourselves kicked out of class. We would often find ourselves getting in trouble out there as well. I can remember one day Doug and I were in the bathroom. And Doug had to take a shit. So he did. I was standing by the sink as Doug took care of his business. The next thing I know, the door to the stall opens up, and a turd flies out and lands into one of the urinals. What the fuck?!?!?!? Don't ask for an explanation. There is none. But Doug had reached into the toilet, pulled out one of his turds, and tossed it across the room. Perhaps he was part monkey. I don't know. I just don't know.

Doug was one of the kids who came over to my house during lunch one day. See my entry on Jason Anderson for the details of that day.

One day in Westburg's class, Jason and I encouraged Doug to moon the teacher. So he did. Of course Westburg's back was turned. But still, it was funny as hell. I had pity for Brenda Dax, who found herself a few inches away from Doug's ass.

Doug had moved to Two Rivers from Neenah. And he often spoke of a girl that he had known, that had a last name of Schitobrick - or something like that. And it was pronounced like it sounds. And he used to yell out "SHIT...obrick." Westburg heard him one day, and promptly kicked him out.

One day Jenny Malley wore a dress to school. I told Doug to yell, "Jenny no panties." Of course he did. Actually, earlier in the day, in Mr. Stodola's class, Jenny had lifted her dress to me and revealed... that she was wearing shorts. (Sigh) Whatever. It was still wonderful. Anyway, Doug repeated the phrase over and over again. And he continued to do it day after day. Jenny was irritated by it. But that never stopped Doug. To Doug, she was no longer Jenny Malley. Instead, she had become "Jenny no panties." Sorry Jen. That one was my fault. Two years later, in freshman year, I happened to see the two of them pass each other in the hall. And Doug blurted it out again. I laughed. And Jenny gave Doug a very dirty look.

Speaking of Jenny, I was walking behind Jenny and Cindy Rohrer one day after school. And as we turned the corner near Mr. Trembly's room, Doug slowly sauntered out of the small room of the special ed. teacher (her name escapes me). He had his arms extended like Danny LaRusso at the end of "The Karate Kid." And he was bobbing his head like a chicken - completely oblivious to any and all around him. He was grooving to his own beat. Jenny and Cindy looked at each other with a stunned "what the hell is that" look. I loved it. That's what I loved about Doug. He just didn't care.

Doug was a master burper. He could burp most of the alphabet in one massive burp. But he would peter out somewhere around "Q."

As Doug and I were sitting in the hall one day, having been kicked out of chorus class, he told me an incredible story involving class of 1987's Doug Defere. Doug Defere lived in our neighborhood. So I sometimes crossed paths with that meatball - as did Doug Wall. Doug told me that he had been in Doug Defere's garage, and that Doug (Defere) had sucked Doug (Wall's) cock. He described it in such vivid detail too - including how Doug was panting afterward, while smoking a cigarette, and saying, "That was great." I had no doubt that Doug was telling me the truth. I asked him why he let him do that to him. His response, "He bit me. I couldn't pull away." What a mental image. But I find it hard to believe that Doug (Wall) didn't enjoy it. I don't think Doug was gay or anything. I'm sure it was some sort of experiment thing. Incidentally, Doug Defere is currently serving 30 years in prison for being a pervert to young girls. Sicko.

Another day while we were kicked out in the hall, we were sitting on the bench by the trophy case. I told Doug to drop his pants and walk across the hall and back. He did. The second or third time he did it, fellow graduate Patti Malley suddenly appeared out of nowhere, coming out of the gym. Doug quickly pulled up his drawers. I was rolling on the floor laughing. I'm sure Patti got a good look.

At some point that year, after lunch, everyone was milling about in the gym. Ross Hofmann suddenly produced a condom, and blew it up like a balloon. The thing got bounced around up in the air. And for whatever reason, people tried to stick the condom on Doug. Eventually Craig Rysticken found himself with it, and threw it in the garbage.

After 7th grade, Doug and I didn't hang around with each other too much. Other than a study hall in high school, we never had another class together. Doug was in a lot of special education classes. I wasn't. Even though we shared a homeroom all four years, we didn't sit near each other.

In our sophomore year, I had Mr. Conrad for science. He had a rule that everyone in the class had to help him at some point in the year, outside of normal class activities. When it was my turn, I helped him grade some tests from students in other classes. One of the questions on the test was "Give an example of a food chain." Doug's answer - "fish, man, Godzilla." That made me laugh.

During our junior year, we all had to take some sort of test to see how much we learned. They may have been called the "Iowa Tests." I don't know. But Doug did something that was one of the funniest things I'd ever seen. They were scantron tests. And they were long. Even the fastest person would take maybe 40 minutes to complete it. It was full of story problems. Well, about five minutes after we'd all started, the silence was broken by Mr Siem, one of the guidance counselors. He was a monitor for the test. He had seen Doug relaxed, reading a book. He asked Doug what he was doing. Doug simply said, "I'm done." There was kind of an "ooh" in the room. But sure enough, Doug was in fact done. Of course what he had done was simply go down the line and fill in any answer he wanted. Well, Siem would have none of that. He thought he'd get the best of Doug. So he told him, "Check your answers." Siem looked rather pleased with himself. Doug looked irritated. But here's what Doug did (as Siem watched him). Doug looked at a question, then looked quickly at his answer. All was well. Then he did it with the next one. His head was glancing back and forth very quickly - too impossibly quick to actually even read the problems. He was acting - poorly, but acting nonetheless. Then after about six or seven looks, he suddenly pointed his finger in the air and said, "Ah!" Then he started to erase one of his answers. I burst out laughing. God that was funny. I think Siem then walked away, giving up.

At some point that year (I think it was that year) Doug and Bobby Streu were over at my house. And we made a series of prank phone calls to some sort of anti-drug treatment center in Manitowoc. We pretended to be a drug addict who got beat by our dad. We called several times. We were stupid enough to give out the name and phone number of a mutual friend of ours. On our last call, the woman said, "Is this Burt or Doug?" Freaked out, we immediately hung up.

At the beginning of our senior year, Doug and fellow graduate Chuck Yauch came to school with mohawks. I asked Doug what happened. He told me some story about how he and Chuck had been in Milwaukee and had gotten jumped by some gang, who shaved their heads like that. Whatever. It was total bullshit. But I didn't question him.

Doug didn't finish school. He dropped out at some point during our senior year. I hooked up with him again about two years after high school. In fact, I even have some camcorder footage of him. At one point I sold him a bunch of porno movies. My boss sold me a bunch of cheapies that were of poor quality. He gave me all 20 of them for $15.00. I sold 10 of them to Doug for $5.00 each. Nice profit. I think I still have the other 10 to this day.

After selling those porno tapes, I didn't see Doug again for several years. Doug moved up to northern Wisconsin at one point. He even got cited for fishing without a license. But he came back to Two Rivers in the late 1990's.

In either the summer of 1999 or 2000, my wife (or fiance if it was 1999) and I were at Sentry in Two Rivers. Suddenly this guy came out of nowhere and shook my hand. It was Doug. Doug was filthy. He was working for William Schaus & Son in Manitowoc. And he'd just come from a roofing job. I introduced him to my wife by saying, "THIS is Doug Wall." And what was Doug's first thing that he said to her? "Did he tell you about the time that I was naked on his garage roof?" Again, that is what I loved about Doug. When you meet someone for the first time, most people won't tell you about an incident like that at all - let alone the very first thing you say. But that was Doug. He just didn't care. Actually, later on, she told me that if he'd clean himself up, he'd look reasonably attractive.

Doug told me that he was living with Kurt Psenicka. And the two of them are still roommates to this day. As far as I know, he has never married.


At Fri Apr 07, 10:29:00 PM PDT, Blogger Greg Pagel said...

Wow. THAT was freaking funny. I haven't laughed that hard at anything on the Internet since about Strong Bad email 75.


At Sat Apr 08, 06:00:00 AM PDT, Blogger cawelnicke said...

Does anyone remember Mrs. Westburg having us sing the Beatles Song "Yesterday"? Some of the lyrics are "And I believe in yesterday" but some people (probably you Burt!) changed the lyrics to "and I believe that Doug is gay." I distinctly remember whenever Doug was out in the hall and those "Doug is gay" lyrics would be sung, he'd run in the room and shout "HAPPY!" then run back out.

At Sat Apr 08, 07:30:00 AM PDT, Blogger TWORIVERSWALRUS said...

Yes Carrie, you are correct. And that little lyric change was my idea! Man, did that one catch on. Almost EVERYONE sang "Doug is gay." I remember sometimes when Doug was in class while we sang that (must have been very early in class) he would get up and say, "That's it!" - and stomp out of the room. And yes, I had forgotten that he would always shout out "Happy!" Thanks for reminding me! I'm laughing my ass of right now.

At Sat Apr 08, 07:45:00 AM PDT, Blogger the_meff said...

It's funny, Burt, having known you for in excess of 20 years and having heard (and been privy to) each of those stories a million times, they're still just as side-splitting to this day. Escpecially in print on the web!

Beyond the freak factor, you left out something that I think people might miss about Doug Wall (whom I knew because of my days with Tom Grassman long before I even met you.)

Doug, for all his flaws, faults, and, let's face it, lunacy, was actually a really nice guy. He wished no malice upon anyone. It was never personal with him.

So you're the ones who knocked over Officer Dodge's concrete badge!!! That was legendary with the 38th street gang (my people....Brian LaPalm, Allen Gruman, a kid from Green Bay named Todd Pilger). We actually planned to "catch the perpetrators" and stake out the graveyard.

It appears we failed. You punks are still on the streets!!!

At Sat Apr 08, 11:08:00 AM PDT, Blogger TWORIVERSWALRUS said...

Oh yes. Doug was a nice guy. He was a bit rowdy at times. But he was a friendly soul. There are probably very few people who ever got to know that side of him though. When we ran into him that summer of 1999 or 2000, he was very happy to see me - almost giddy. Doug was a good guy.


Post a Comment

<< Home