Friday, January 13, 2006


Was there anyone more starved for attention than Dave Kanera? Maybe Donald Trump - maybe.

I met Dave in 4th grade. Over the years, we shared several classes together.

One of my earliest memories of Dave happened outside of school. I was riding my bike near Magee, in front of a corner house - a house across the street from Ross Remiker's - right outside the cemetary. I was trying to ride on the curb - the few inches between the grass and the road.

The guy in the home took exception to my presence, and started yelling at me. He threatened to send his dog out after me. He had the hugest doberman I'd ever seen! Being the guy that I was, I refused to go. I was determined to annoy him.

Dave drove up on his bike. He was delivering newspapers (perhaps for his older brother?). He asked me what was going on. I told him the guy was being an asshole. Then Dave peddled off. He didn't stick around long enough to see the guy pull a gun on me! Needless to say, the sight of that gun made me get the hell out of there. I should have reported the asshole. But with my repuation, I was the one who probably would have gotten in trouble.

I found a photo from Mr. Ashenbrenner's class in 8th grade. Dave is on the far left, followed by Scott Stephens, myself and Chris Staudinger.

In high school, Dave was an ass. If anyone has our yearbooks, take a look at Dave's hair from year to year. It's an amazing transformation. He went from a bowl to Keith Richards in the span of three years.

Dave had a reputaion for being a ladies' man. I'm sure it was justified. There were also rumors that he may have "dabbled" with the fellas as well. Obviously I don't know if any of this is true. Hell, Dave my have put those rumors out there on his own, just to get more attention.

Dave needed an audience. He tried to charm everyone. But deep down, he seemed to have a lack of respect for anyone he deemed to be beneath him. He was a loud mouth, and was always up for embarrassing anyone. That's the kind of guy he was. He was Mr. Slick... Mr. Cool... or so he thought. Actually, he fooled most of his peers.

Another reputation that surrounded him was that he was a heavy, heavy pot smoker. He teamed up with Jeff Rehrauer. In fact, he somewhat "stole" Jeff away from my friend Dave Svatek. My friend Dave seemed to get disillusioned with Jeff, due to his alleged drug use.

I think this next event happened in my junior year. Dave Kanera and someone else went into the bathroom to urinate. Unbeknownst to them, Toby Schwartz was in one of the stalls. Toby overheard Dave groan and say, "Man, this gonorrhea shit's got to go." Apparently Dave was only joking. But Toby didn't know that. And he of course spread the rumor. I recall that Dave was a bit annoyed by that.

I had Dave in Mr. Schwantes' class during our senior year. One day, when the teacher was out of the room, Dave belted out (in a totally serious tone) "Has anyone noticed that girls don't swallow?" No one really responded - which must have really irked him. All Dave wanted was to get a little more attention by asking such a stupid question. All I could do was feel sorry for a girl named Kendra - who he was dating at the time.

In that same class, Dave sat in the front row, in the right corner. One day he pretended to be asleep. He had his eyes closed, head on hand, and was leaning up against the wall, in his seat. Joy Suthers (class of 1990, girlfriend of Jason Anderson) took his picture. It ended up in the yearbook. Of course Dave pretended to be shocked when he "woke up." Ha ha Dave... sad.

For those of you who had Mr. Schwantes, you'll remember that he was the kind of guy who you could get to talk about anything - sometimes taking up the entire class talking about nothing school-related. It was great! He was well aware of it. He related it to socializing - a vital part of teaching. There were no complaints from the students. He was a fun guy.

Well one day, Mr. Schwantes started class by saying, "What should we talk about today?" Before anyone else could answer, Larry Daffner (more on him later) belted out, "Let's all ignore what's-his-name in the corner, and see how long it takes before he goes nuts." That was one of the funniest lines I've ever heard. Larry understood the real Dave. Of course Larry was some sort of genius. His comment was lost on most everyone else.

During my senior year, my friend Scott Jaklin was interested in buying some pot. So who did he go to see? Dave Kanera of course. A deal was allegedly arranged. I was actually talking on the phone with Scott when Dave and fellow graduate Tom "Gus" Holmes came to his house. He let me go. And shortly afterward, Scott had a bag of weed. Obviously I have no idea what happened, if anything. I assumed that Dave sold it to Scott. After all, that's what Scott told me. And a day or two later, in Mr. Hensl's english class, Dave told my friend Dave Svatek that he had sold Scott $10.00 worth of pot for $20.00. Of course, I wasn't a witness to the alleged transaction. But you do the math. Nice profit by the way.

Dave allegedly did some modeling work. He was very skinny. So it was right up his alley. Apparently he was in one of those "I lost over 100 pounds" picture ads. If that boy were to ever lose 100 pounds, he'd disappear from existence.

Prior to graduation, we all had to write down what we planned to do with ourselves after school. Not everyone participated. But Dave did. And our comments were put into the graduation program for the parents and spectators. Dave's plans? He was going to spend his life trying to figure out why men have nipples.

I'm surprised they let that comment in the program. But I'm glad they did. His stupidity was laid out for all to see.

The last information I had on Dave was that he was living in Milwaukee. He was allegedly "retired." Yeah, right. Still the jokester after all these years. Then again, perhaps he had fulfilled his lifelong goal (male nipples) and had nothing more to do. I'd like to see the results of his research.

In the late 1990's, Dave's father was arrested for allegedly having 11 marijuana plants growing on his property. He plead no contest, was sentenced to 45 days in jail and 18 months probation.

Dave was sued by the gas company, most likely for not paying his bill. The judgement remains unsatisfied.

On more than one occasion, Dave has been caught driving after his license had been suspended. On one occasion, he was sentenced to five days in jail.

For about 15 months, in my sophomore and junior years, I was the Kanera's paperboy. They had the nicest, softest dog. They had a litter of kittens once too. Or was it puppies? I don't recall for sure. Dave had an older brother named Dan, and a younger sister (a very cute younger sister) named Kelle. Dave's parents were very nice. And I have a distinct memory of his dad mowing the lawn - in the tightest, leopard-spotted bikini swimsuit I've ever seen.

UPDATE - 6/15/06 - There has been a Dave Kanera sighting. A little angel told me that Dave is currently living in Madison, and works at Menards. Apparently he's worked there for years. From what I've been told, Dave is happy and well. I wish nothing but the best for him.

UPDATE - 11/10/06 - One thing I somehow neglected to mention was that Dave fancied himself as a Bobcat Goldthwait impersonator. Actually, it wasn't a bad impression at all. But the fact that Goldthwait had such an annoying voice, coupled with the fact that Dave was CONSTANTLY doing him, added to my disdain for him. Nonetheless, here is Dave on our senior video, with that very impression.


At Fri Jan 13, 01:56:00 PM PST, Blogger HappyMama said...

The funniest and most clever entry to date.

I am in the mood for macaroni and cheese.

At Tue Jan 24, 12:43:00 PM PST, Blogger Brad Strouf said...

This one was terribly accurate, most of it made me laugh out loud...the part about the patriarch in a leopard striped speedo made me nauseous.

At Thu Jan 26, 10:51:00 PM PST, Blogger the_meff said...

A most unforgettable character.

I actually got along with him in elementary school. He struck me as kind of a putz but, whatever, he was cordial to me and that's all that mattered at the time.

Flash forward a few years. Eighth grade. Tom Grassman, Richard Wheeler, and I are grooving to the beat of The Blues Brothers at the year end picnic. SOB, irritated by our choice of music, stomps over and shuts off the boombox.

You don't fuckin' do that to Joliet Jake!

Later in the day, he griped that Richard and I needed to "grow up." As correct as that assessment was, it was still unacceptable. My mother can bark that at me, not David frickin' Kanera!

I believe I mentioned this in an earlier post and this concept applied perfectly to this knob...

He tried too hard. Wayyyy too desperate for approval. We all want to be liked but good lord...

At Fri Jan 27, 02:13:00 PM PST, Blogger TWORIVERSWALRUS said...

Ah, the 8th grade picnic. I have a story to tell about that. But how could that be? I was actually banned from attending it. Instead, I spent the day in Mr. Franke's room, in detention.

But I do know something that took place at that picnic...

At Sat Jan 28, 02:52:00 AM PST, Blogger Gus said...

I have to admit, finding this blog brings back memories. Suprised to find myself mentioned. In relation to the pot deal, I have no relocation of that.

At Sat Jan 28, 07:22:00 AM PST, Blogger TWORIVERSWALRUS said...

Gussie G! Is that really you? How did you stumble upon this place?

I've been working on finding some information about you. But I wasn't sure if I'd found the right guy. Tell us, are you working in the Oconomowoc area, in some sort of youth treatment facility?

At Wed Feb 01, 08:48:00 PM PST, Blogger SonnyKidd said...

Wasn't Dave also the class burper, renowned for being able to burp the alphabet? Sadly, it doesn't seem as though that skill panned out in the real world for Dave.

At Wed Feb 01, 09:33:00 PM PST, Blogger TWORIVERSWALRUS said...

Well, I don't honestly know about that. But I do know that you and I, as well as Mrs. Westburg's entire class were witness to Doug Wall's burping exploits. He could get up to "Q."

I can't wait to write about Doug.


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